David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Department Store Santa

1. he points out which kids he thinks will be gay.
2. because of earlier incidents, he can't go within 50 of Victoria's Secret salesgirls
3. tells every kid climbing into his lap, "careful of santa's flask!"
4. instead of saying "ho ho ho", he keeps mumbling something about "jihad"
5. every night he walks out with a sack of ipods
6. the suit he wears is more orange and reads "auburn corectional facility"
7. tries to snort the fake snow
8. there's always 2-3 "elves" on defibrillator duty
9. he lectures each child on the wonders of scientology
10. his fluffy white beard is heavily soiled with chaw stains